History Jokes: Captain Kidd -- Famous Last Words of a Pirate


Funny anecdotes and short stories are a great source of examples in public speeches. This website contains short funny stories, clean jokes and humorous legends of kings and queens, politicians, famous literary figures and artists from many books and sources. The styles of writers from different time periods was preserved - they often enhance the stories in an amusing way. Enjoy and have fun!

Captain Kidd -- Famous Last Words of a Pirate 
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 02:35 PM - British humor, history of England, Famous funny quotes and sayings, Life and Death
Posted by Court Jester
Captain William Kidd (1645-1701), a famous British pirate, started his career as a regular sea captain. But when he was dispatched to the coast of Madagascar with the purpose of quelling marauding pirates, he joined them instead, and soon became one of the most ferocious raiders on the open seas. After several years of bloody raids on British ships he reached agreement with the English that he would surrender in return for a full pardon. Once he was in custody, the pardon was revoked and he was sent to the gallows. As the noose was put around his neck he said to the assembled crowds: "this is a very fickle and faithless generation."
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Jonathan Swift and Thomas Sheridan at a Beggar's Wedding 
Dean Swift being in the country, on a visit to Dr. Sheridan, they were informed that a beggar's wedding was about to be celebrated. Sheridan played well upon the violin; Swift therefore proposed that he should go to the place where the ceremony was to be performed, disguised as a blind fiddler, while he attended him as his man. Thus accoutred they set out, and were received by the jovial crew with great acclamation. They had plenty of good cheer, and never was a more joyous wedding seen. All was mirth and frolic; the beggars told stories, played tricks, cracked jokes, sung and danced, in a manner which afforded high amusement to the fiddler and his man, who were well rewarded when they departed, which was not till late in the evening. The next day the Dean and Sheridan walked out in their usual dress, and found many of their late companions, hopping about upon crutches, or pretending to be blind, pouring forth melanPg 11choly complaints and supplications for charity. Sheridan distributed among them the money he had received; but the Dean, who hated all mendicants, fell into a violent passion, telling them of his adventure of the preceding day, and threatening to send every one of them to prison. This had such an effect, that the blind opened their eyes, and the lame threw away their crutches, running away as fast as their legs could carry them.
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Death of a Hero 
Sunday, April 13, 2008, 12:28 PM - Religious jokes, Church history jokes, Clean Christian jokes, History of France
Posted by Court Jester
Death of a Hero.—At the battle of Malplaquet, in 1709, Marshal Villars was dangerously wounded, and desired to receive the Holy Sacrament. Being advised to receive in private, he said, "No, if the army cannot see me die like a hero, they shall see me die as a Christian."
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Fear of Death 
Sunday, April 13, 2008, 12:26 PM
Posted by Court Jester
Fear of Death.—It is recorded of a person who had been sentenced to be bled to death, that, instead of the punishment being actually inflicted, he was made to believe that it was so, merely by causing water, when his eyes were blinded, to trickle down his arm. This mimicry, however, of an operation, stopped as completely the movements of the animated machine as if an entire exhaustion had been effected of the vivifying mud. The man lost his life, although not his blood, by this imaginary venesection.
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Sergeant and a philosopher 
Sunday, April 13, 2008, 12:23 PM - Anecdotes and jokes about writers, philosophers and scientists
Posted by Court Jester
Dr. Gregory, professor of the practice of physic at Edinburgh, was one of the first to enroll himself in the Royal Edinburgh Volunteers, when that corps was raised. So anxious was he to make himself master of military tactics, that he not only paid the most punctual attendance on all the regimental field-days, but studied at home for several hours a day, under the sergeant-major of the regiment. On one of these occasions the sergeant, out of all temper at the awkwardness of his learned pupil, exclaimed in a rage, "Why, sir, I would rather teach ten fools than one philosopher."
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